a Bitch on Design

I don’t know about you but I spend way too much time trying to figure out which toilet paper to buy.  Do I want one or two ply?  Who would want only one ply anyway?  Do I need the double rolls or a quilted roll?  Do I want my bottom smelling like I just wiped it with rose pedals or should I go for the eco-friendly TP?  Do I buy four rolls, or six, how many sheets do I really need anyway?  I wish an economist would do a study on toilet paper and just tell me which one will do the job right and for the least amount of money (and chaffing).

I’m so sick of advertising, I feel so insulted when they don’t deliver.  Charmin “Ultra Strong….For a clean you’ll notice!”  How did they come up with this tag line?  And what part is “strong”?  Did they use it and were like, “God that’s some strong TP, I never noticed it before but my asshole is squeaky clean!”  ugh..but I digress…

For now, this is a study in progress but I can at the very least tell you for certain that these Charmin (pictured above) SUCK ASS and not in a soaking ass stuff kind of way you’d want or expect.  They suck ass as in the paper feels like it is ready to crumble up into baby powder, the “large” roll is the same size as a regular size roll but doesn’t last nearly as long.  And with just one bean and cheese burrito you can use up one of these toilet paper rolls all by yourself in one s(h)itting. 

After using the iPhone for a few weeks I made the joke that I wished it was shaped like a flask.  As much as I wish the iPhone had an app that would give me a quick buzz (iDrunk) I was actually referring to how nice a flask fits to the contour of your body (ie back pocket) and how nice it feels in your hand.  I mean, why re-invent the wheel?  On traditional phones the mouth pieces are curved for a reason.  But what really annoys me about the iPhone’s extremely flat rectangular shape is the number of times I’ve accidentally hung up on people because I hit the ‘End’ call button with my high cheekbones.  Sure I could use the speaker phone but we all know it sucks and is not always a feasible option.  The blue tooth option is no better and frankly, I don’t care who you are, you look like an ass walking around with a blinking gadget sticking out of your side holes.  Besides after a while they just downright hurt, especially if you are using the kind that hook over your ear like a clothes hangar…as if the ear was designed to have such things hanging from them.  My ear is not a coat rack!  The ones without ‘the hook’ that are suppose to stay lodged in your ear are great as long as you don’t sneeze, chew, grind or move your jaw in any way otherwise they pop right out with trajectory.  It seems to me the only viable solution is the good old operator style headphones, you know the Janet Ms. Jackson if your nasty ear and mouth piece.  But that still does not address the shape of the iPhone itself and having to hold it constantly.  It’s like holding a deck of cards all day except I can’t shuffle them and make them more pliable.  Perhaps with just a slight curve it would cup to my hand (and face) better.

Ahhh that little curve makes all the difference in the world!